Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I always wondered why must everyone ask themselves-who am I. It seemed to lead to time sensitive answers to satisfy oneself -whatever ones desires be. But its only when it becomes this need, a purpose that cannot be put aside for another day, does one clearly see that its not a search for answers but a willingness to understand.

In confusion there’s this tendency to sort out the “I”, in despair and sheer loneliness. In this state of being- of uneasiness in ones skin one asks again, who am I, without any sort of care, seriousness or urgency-only desperation. And all that we’ve been told we are, the things we are loved for, the things we’ve been told make us unbearable, the ones that make us different ,precious, special and all that, is what we’ve been clinging on to.

That’s our relationship with each other - the expectations, the words, the expressions and the reactions. Sometimes the silence-at times awkward, or peevish, unsure or even easy. We look for ourselves in this relation-how we fit in or don’t .That’s how we formulate our definitions of ourselves. Sometimes the me is just a reaction to a bad relation. Or a semblance of a good one. A product of a thousand interactions which are a product of a million others.

Complicated-that’s what one becomes without an idea of the self. In keeping with our roles then we become liars. Even more complicated.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

that what i cant grasp
you know this flatmate of mine,shes 18,kept telling me how she loved this guy and all from school,whom she missed on the freak summer day it rained, just like she could have used some pakoda and tea. I dont blame her ,i have felt a little lonely myself on certain rainy says....as if the symptoms of emptiness choose such a fine day to brood over things.and over the conversation I happened to remark "this isn't love you know".so what is it?'"its infatuation".Two days later she comes and asks me what that inf...tion word was, n i told her.....so after yet another day she asked me what i thought love was.Well ,i did make that remark with such finality, anyone could've been tempted to ask that.And there was this attempt, where words were somehow to lead me to the meaning ,ironic!!!! but thats what i seem to be doing....trying to grasp meaning through words. It has worked you know....like verbalizing a thought process after a little stumbling and fumbling does lead to some kindda clarity.but this once Im really lost. so i try to look at a certain relationship, the only real reference i have , n then the words. n it feels so lame......any kind of "explanation" feels lame .And shouldn't it be extrodinary ..the definition...that should make one go wow!!!...again only words.The more i try to define it, the further lost i begin to feel coz i seem to be moving away from what it really is.so what is it really.huh!!I hate to admit this to myself .....our lives are devoid of this thing we try so desperately to grasp.Something tells me its far outta the reach of words.yet its only words that are trying to grasp .......it and i'm 99% words.